Duvet
by katachresis
Summary: XEra songfic, focusing on Subaru's memories and feelings.


Warnings:  
Yaoi implications.   
  
Legend:  
:: thoughts ::  
" quotes "  
o/~ music o/~  
  
Credits:  
The song used is Duvet by Boa. (I played the acoustic version when writing this)  
  
.: Duvet :: Katalyst :: Sumeragi Subaru :: POV Songfic :.  
  
"Sleep is good... because when you wake up, your entire outlook on life changes."  
:: How long ago did you say that to me? How long ago was everything normal? Predictable, safe... Safe on the surface at least. ::   
Sumeragi Subaru lifted his cigarette to his lips with a hand that should have trembled. He looked at his steady hand for a long moment, and a bitter smile twisted his lips.   
:: Sleep doesn't change anything Hokuto-chan. Sleep doesn't change that you're dead. Sleep doesn't change that he betrayed us. Sleep doesn't erase what I've become. ::   
  
o/~ And you don't seem to understand  
A shame you seemed an honest man o/~  
  
The faint smolder of the cigarette was almost drowned out by the faint music. Taking a deep drag, Subaru dropped his hand to rest on the balcony and looked out over Tokyo. The lights flickered below him, orange and blue, red and yellow-white. He flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette.  
:: Hokuto-chan... you would kill me if you could see me now. Look at your twin. No hat... smoking. No gloves even. But then... a lot of things have changed, not just clothing or a pack of cigarettes or two. ::   
  
o/~ And all the fears you hold so dear  
Will turn to whisper in your ear o/~  
  
The smoke escaped his lungs slowly, wreathing around his head, holding him in a cloud of the past. The smell of the smoke was exactly how he used to smell.  
How Seishirou used to smell. It had been years, and yet he could still recall being cradled against Seishirou-san's large, warm chest, being surrounded by powerful arms. Being...   
:: ...no. Having the illusion of safety. ::   
He inhaled deeply, savoring the smoke. Savoring the memory, with all its bittersweetness.  
:: Seishirou Sakurazuka. A man who uses onmyoujitsu to kill people with no remorse and no more thought than insects. ...The man I loved. ::   
"But I really do love you Subaru-kun"   
:: I know now you never loved me. But did I really love you? Do I still love you? How could I? How could I love a... a monster? ::   
  
o/~ And you know what they say might hurt you  
And you know that it means so much  
And you don't even feel a thing o/~  
  
"Are you going to waste Sei-chan's love?!"   
His jaw tightened against a powerful surge of emotion. Hokuto had spoken of love. Even of... marriage.  
:: No. Control yourself, onmyouji. ::   
"There is no difference between humans and things."  
Quickly, irritably, he took another drag off of his cigarette. He let his head roll back, looked up towards the stars.  
:: Hokuto-chan... I'm so confused. I can't be the Sumeragi with an obsession like this. Lately, he's been invading my thoughts all the time. Even... Even when I work. I used to be able to block him out when I was working. ::   
  
o/~ I am falling, I am fading,  
I have lost it all o/~  
  
"I hate you Subaru-kun! Because... you're not normal!"  
He used to know who and what he was. Sumeragi Subaru, Thirteenth clan head of the Sumeragi family. The most powerful practitioner of onmyouji in Japan. One of the seven Seals. The twin brother of Sumeragi Hokuto.  
:: How can I protect Japan? I couldn't protect her. I couldn't protect myself. In the end, I was as helpless as anyone "normal." I couldn't protect anyone from him. What am I now but a failure? One slowly dying half of a whole. ::   
  
o/~ And you don't seem the lying kind  
A shame that I can read your mind  
And all the things that I read there  
Candle-lit smile that we both share o/~  
  
Tokyo Tower... Was that night a lifetime ago? Sometimes it seemed that those memories belonged to someone else. Someone whose world wasn't washed in watercolors of deceit and shattered love.  
:: Or... did it happen just yesterday? Sometimes it hurts so much Seishirou-san. The wound feels fresh, not years out of fashion. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about you. Am I a "sick mind?"  
Did you make me into this? ::   
  
o/~ And you know I don't mean to hurt you  
But you know that it means so much  
And you don't even feel a thing o/~  
  
Those eyes... one melting caramel; one cold glass. They were the eyes of a killer, a monster now... once, they the eyes of a friend.  
A lover.   
A man who would loose an eye to save the life of a young, naive boy... And one who could casually turn around and destroy the bonds of trust and untested love.  
:: What if I had died that day? What if his bet was left unfinished? What then? ::   
  
o/~ I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning,  
Help me to breathe o/~  
  
:: He was the one I didn't want to hate me. He alone was special to me. He alone could rip me in two and smile in such a way that would break my heart. ::   
He took another drag on his cigarette, shaking slightly too-long dark hair out of his eyes as he looked down on the city. The city he would fight to save. The city that would make him face his obsession once more... and this time face him down for good.  
:: If I am strong enough. If I can face him. Because to face him, I must also... ::   
  
o/~ I am hurting, I have lost it all  
I am losing  
Help me to breathe o/~  
  
:: ...I must also face myself. And in doing that... Hokuto-chan, am I strong enough? Can I really do what I must? I... When it comes to him I... ::   
  
As the song's quiet refrain melted into the wind, a bead of moisture slid down Subaru's face, highlighted by the lights of the city below him. It fell, dampening the cracked, stained concrete of the balcony rail. Subaru dropped the still-glowing butt of the cigarette down onto the balcony, deliberately ground it under his heel.  
  
:: ...When it comes to him, I'm not exactly sure who I am. :: 


End file.
